Monthly Archives: January 2013

Debunking Bridal Superstitions

Rain on Your Wedding Day Is Good LuckIt’s raining on your wedding day, neigh  torrentially down pouring with lightening and thunder with potential hail. The swans you ordered are taking refuge in the bathroom, those fireworks specially-ordered from China will have to be 4th of July pyrotechnics, forget about taking that everybody jump photograph at sunset outside and worst of all you’re wearing white. It is true rain can be a downer when what was suppose to be an outdoor wedding is now indoor in a less then ultimate space. The guests sopping wet from their run from the car to the venue, give you a weak smile despite nature’s wrath and offer you their condolences, “At least rain is good luck on your wedding day.”

Party Planning: Who’s Booking The Stripper and/or Spa?

The funny thing about wedding book guides is that it suggests the bridesmaid and Maid of Honor plan and pay for the shower and bachelorette party. The question is – is that really good and fair advice? Fiances are now financially independent, living on their own or cohabitating; gone are the days when brides had to ask mom and dad for a loan or an allowance. If brides have more financial autonomy, if they expect a party in their honor and want to dictate the details of it, shouldn’t they step up as party leader and payer?

If the party is given as a surprise with the bride sitting in the passenger planning seat, then it seems more reasonable for the cost to be covered by others. In the grand scheme of things though, at what point does another financial burden begin to break a bridesmaid’s back? She is already paying for a dress, shoes, alterations, gifts, maybe make up and hair and overnight or travel accommodations. Her hangover after a bachelorette party might be the least of her concerns after she gets her credit card bill. 

The difficulty, as a bridesmaid, if knowing when and how to say, ‘enough spending’; and as a bride, to understand that there are limitations to everyone’s budget and that her own expectations can’t be met by everyone’s balance sheet. This current wedding party financial etiquette leaves brides and bridesmaids open to awkwardness and trouble. The tradition stems from times when women didn’t have their own cash influx, but this is not the case for modern women. It’s time to update this tradition – to accommodate different budgets, expectations, responsibilities and be open and nonjudgmental about it all.

If the bride is really running the show, she should be open to paying her way. Party guests can also choose to chip in for something special and fun like that lap dance, a nice bottle of champagne or a massage with Sven.[1] Bridesmaids should not have to worry about forgoing certain events or services at the expense of not feeling a part of the group or worry about subsequent ostracism. The party will be much more enjoyable when people aren’t obsessing over whether or not they can afford the next round of shots they feel pressured into reciprocally buying. Bridemaids will feel better knowing they can share their feelings that buying matching penis hats for the bachelorette party is a waste of money, instead of knowing such opinions will only get them dirty looks from other bridesmaids who feel it’s a good investment.

At the end of party, it’s not about who pays that makes a good bridesmaid or bride, but the sincerity given in toasts, the genuine happy smiles captured in pictures and the honest effort executed in making everyone happy. It’s true that it’s the thought that counts, but everyone has different ideas on what’s thoughtful. The problem is current wedding etiquette entangles party expectations and friendship support with financial obligations and that is not a healthy mix. 

[1] I hear massages by guy’s name Sven are always good…

Creating A Wedding Party: The False Luxury of Many Friends

At a wedding, not only do you celebrate the love you have for someone else, you also ask friends to celebrate this love with you! In today’s wedding culture, there’s this unspoken pressure to make a wedding and a wedding party a big family and friends affair. The size of a wedding party mythically indicates how rich in relationships a couple is; sort of like the more friends you have, the more popular you seem; and the grander the processional, the more seemingly expensive the wedding. Since society values relationships above all else, the number of bridesmaids and grooms is considered a sign of a person’s or couple’s emotional and relational success. However, what if quantity does not always imply quality?

Beware Lame Bridal Shower Games

If I can give men any wedding credit it’s their ability to successfully avoid bridal showers, especially the bridal games (I am very jealous of this skill). Don’t get me wrong, I love games. But the mere fact that no one plays bridal games outside of bridal showers is a massive sign that no one wants to play them…at all.

Senior citizen bingo can be cutthroat, bridal shower bingo where I mark off squares filled in with bridal shower-type gifts not so much. It is the epitome of boring and lame. I recommend turning gift opening into a drinking game instead, every time the bride opens a domestic present – take a sip. Every time she opens up something sexy – give a drink to someone else. Everyone would be having an awesome time then. Bingo!

Word Games are the rock bottom of un-fun at showers. Predicting what a bride will say when she opens up a gift…makes me speechless. Who thinks this is fun? This is the best game people can come up with? There is something endearing about the advice marriage game though – so long as there are funny and charismatic guests in attendance. The best advice I heard was from someone’s granny, “Don’t fart in bed.” Granny knows a fart joke is appropriate at anytime.

Guessing games never go off well either, there was one bridal shower where the bride got two out of ten questions about her fiancé and relationship right (they are now divorced). Another game form is to have the guests fill out a questionnaire about the couple. This is really awkward for the guests who are there out of courtesy or blood and don’t know the couple at all. It also can’t be an ego boost for the couple that invited a “close” group of people to find out, they ain’t so close to them.

Then there’s the recipe collection game, where all the invited women bring in a recipe for the bride – so she can start cooking good meals for her husband when he comes home with the bacon. Not too spoil this game too, but this too just reinforces the stereotype that wives belong in the kitchen.

I do like the underwear game where everyone brings a pair of panties and the bride has to guess who brought which pair. (This, too, can be turned into a drinking game or played at the bachelorette party.) It’s good because one the bride can donate the underwear afterwards if she chooses. Underwear is often needed at women’s shelters and many forget such types of donations. Secondly, if the party is about building a life together it reiterates that bakeware and kitchenware won’t make a marriage, but good sex (with the help of sexy underwear) can.

I get it though; these games try to bring together a room full of strangers together. It’s earnest in its attempt but I have found few who truly enjoy them. The one time I actually connected with new people at a shower was when I had no other choice but to use my Emily Post greeting skills. I was at a luncheon (at the Boathouse in Central Park, NYC, which was breathtaking) with tight family-style seating, which forces you to talk to the person next to you when you know no one else. And I have to say, I had a really nice time and the group solidified without the game crutch, in fact, the games actually interrupted our bonding.



[1] I can play a mean game of Scrabble and I can gracefully lose at darts, but not Connect Four for some reason

Wedding Planning & Planners

If only everyone could hire the Franck Eggelhoffers and J.Lo’s of the world to plan the perfect wedding. Wedding planners are a direct result of women entering the workforce and the dynamic change in how business attracts consumers. Before women started hitting the workforce, those friends, bridesmaids and family would convene to plan the wedding. When Sally Sue became too busy to plan a wedding because of her 9 to 5 job she was most likely about to quit once becoming a wife or a mother, she went to the nearest department store for all her bridal needs. Department store bridal consultants eventually turned into freelancer consultants, planners and coordinators.

Planners have a few functions. As tradition and design guru, they’re there to help you realize your bridal dreams or direct you in what your bridal dreams should be (for those directionless bride and grooms). Their next function is to sacrifice their own sanity in the name of the bride and groom by dealing directly with people and vendors. And lastly, they will try to sell all that is necessary to avoid said stress, people and to achieve that dream wedding. They are the car salespeople of the wedding industry if they can convince you to tack on extras and upgrades to your wedding, the higher commission they earn (not to mention the kickbacks they get if you use their “guys” or vendors).

Couple’s view planners as a saving grace from all that is messy and emotional so they can on the other hand focus on (and experience) all that is beautiful and fun, or that’s at least one way to justify their fee. There’s something to be said about taking ownership of your own wedding. If you believe you can walk down that aisle, you should probably be able and willing to lay the literal foundation for it. Even if you have the money to hire a planner, where does passing the buck in planning it cross into not making a wedding a priority? And what does it say about the party who can’t invest their time into their own wedding details?

Planning for the Future

An engaged couple needs to consider modern ways of approaching wedding planning, whether it’s choosing to pay and plan the wedding themselves, hiring wedding planner Franck Eggelhoffer to plan your wedding, gracefully thanking Ma and Pa for the money and the help or just saying to friends, ‘I appreciate your willingness to be my planning sidekick, but Casey and I are the ones getting married, we should be in responsible for it.’

Planning a wedding does nothing more than indicate the level of a person’s management and organizational skills, wedding planning has so many associated horror stories because these are unperfected skill sets. You can hire that planner or pass off the responsibility to a parent or bridesmaid, but that too speaks volumes too. It may be harder for the lovebirds to manage their wedding details alone, but planning a wedding is just the beginning of learning how to manage two lives and a marriage together. And while it’s hard, it’s also a great lesson for the couple. If a couple feels mature enough to marry, they should be equally responsible for planning and designing their own wedding. If planning a wedding is beyond their capable scope, there’s always eloping, but even an escape route requires elaborate planning.

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Wedding Planning: Motivating the Mister

Wedding Planning: Motivating the Mister

What’s a bride to do when faced with an unmotivated fiancé? First, both bride and groom must understand a wedding is not a “girlie” event. Wedding “How-to” books and magazines pressure us into various pretty accoutrements because their objective is to sell. If getting Joe to jump on board between a floral or candlelit centerpiece is the equivalent of pulling teeth, perhaps forcing an opinion is the wrong strategy. Teamwork and motivation is better accomplished when a task has a shared commonality, find something that perks your fiancés interest and learn to accept that orchids or other conventional décor might not. Wedding design, like marriage, is about compromise.

Wedding culture encourages women to plan their wedding from early childhood. Joe probably hasn’t. Before the bride’s preconceived ideas can dominate wedding choices, let the groom have enough time to catch up and formulate his own. My fiancé also revealed that with a bride’s prefabricated wedding ideas, it’s sometimes easier to accept her idea than him accidentally offering an unpopular one. A wedding day will be more special if the groom feels comfortable with sharing and respected for his opinions.  A bride might insist on pink, a groom on using the Steelers’ colors; but mutual agreement on something like a color scheme will encourage team ownership instead of individual isolation.

When it comes to inspiring a reluctant groom to help plan a wedding, it is important to understand his perspective. More importantly, a bride must manage her own expectations of how the whole planning process and choice selections should go down – abandon the ‘my way or the highway’ attitude. Magazines and industry marketing have spoon fed women ideas on “how” wedding planning should occur, but these are tools that perpetuate sexist divisions and prevent teamwork. Abandon the notion that a wedding is more for the bride than it is for the groom. Whether a bride and groom decide to release doves or fireworks or walk down the aisle to Kiss or Bach’s Canon in D, a team effort will eradicate the existing sexism in planning a wedding and a partnership will prevail.