How to Poop in A Wedding Dress…

DSC_5363Does a bear shit in the woods? Yes. Will a bride take a big one on her big day? Probably. How the bear drops a deuce, thankfully, is not my problem. But if you’ve been a bridesmaid, you’ve probably had an up close encounter with a bride doing her business on the porcelain throne (which might explain why they insist on wearing tiaras sometimes). It’s because most brides select cumbersome wedding gowns, begging the question, “How do I pee in this?” Rather than selecting a more manageable dress, she employs her bridesmaids to help her whiz in the overstuffed wedding gown, thus topping the list of indignant bridesmaid duties. The scene is as hilarious and absurd as it is invasive for everyone involved. Now, the Bridal Buddy is here to rescue everyone from this bathroom emergency.

When I first came across the Bridal Buddy in their informational video (via Beauty with Babs) (Bridal Buddy promotional video), I experienced the same incredulity and embarrassment as when I watched any of the 2016 GOP presidential debates. This poor woman’s job was to pull her skirt up above her waist and show the public how she could pee hands-free using the Bridal Buddy. I’ve seen this scene play out before but it was after the bars closed or a concert, not a showroom floor for all to see. My initial urge to judge the ridiculousness of the Bridal Buddy was as strong as my urge to pee in an unending line for the women’s bathroom. I needed to remind myself that this is a woman just trying to earn an honest day’s pay.

Then I remembered what it was like to help a bride pee moments before the ceremony – my hand mysterious lost in a sea of tulle, searching for underwear to pull down, hoping that where my hand ended up would not result in a golden shower. Even RHoNY, Bethenny Frankel on Bethenny Getting Married? took one last tinkle in a bucket at the fancy Four Seasons with the help of her personal assistant and wedding planner – a reminder that “money cannot buy you class” (RHoNY,Countess Luann).

Regarding group lady-trips to the bathroom, peeing in front of each other is not a big deal, nor should it be. However, there’s something entirely different and obtrusive when the bridesmaid is there to wipe the bride’s ass because there’s too much chiffon and tulle in the way.

So maybe the Bridal Buddy is a pretty good idea after all? It lets the bride have her privacy, eases the bridesmaids’ servitude and it makes obscenely fluffy wedding dresses manageable. Plus, Bridal Buddy is a woman-owned enterprise so any purchase would be supporting a fellow sister and a small business.

The downside is that it’s another wedding product to help manage a different unmanageable one, and so it perpetually turns the wheel of the evil wedding industrial complex. It would be nice to know that for the average wedding gown cost of $1,281 (The Knot, 2013) a bride is getting some bang for her buck (and for her B.M.s) with an already built-in, pee-safe infrastructure. Not to mention, the Bridal Buddy costs a whopping $59.95 (plus tax and shipping) for something that is a few yards of mesh fabric and a drawstring. It seems with so many layers under a wedding dress, it should be possible to fashion a DIY Bridal Buddy, but then again, not all of us are Martha Stewart or MacGyver. Whether the Bridal Buddy is for you depends on your desire for comfort, privacy and willingness to pay for it. How to pee in a wedding dress has plagued brides like a urinary tract infection forever; so I understand the appeal of the Bridal Buddy. However, I can personally vouch that it is possible to pee privately and independently in a large wedding gown and doing so successfully conjures up just as much pride as relief in the bladder.

 

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