25 Signs You’re A Feminist Bride

plus-size-woman-and-small-groom-funny-wedding-topper-designWhat does it take to be a truly modern and feminist bride? I come across a lot of proud brides proclaiming to me how forward thinking they are. For example, a bride might explain how she explored all the equitable options before taking her husband’s surname…but forgot to ask him to consider taking hers. Or a bride will explain how she is going to trash the dress to stick it to the wedding industrial complex not realizing the wedding industrial complex doesn’t care because it already got her $1,500 for the designer gown.

Don’t get me wrong, I love that some brides are attempting to be progressive, but when it comes to equality – sometimes “it’s the thought that counts” – just doesn’t count enough. It’s hard being a truly modern bride especially with so many sources out there that reinforce old school, biased traditions, which is why I’ve outlined twenty-five no-fail signs of a truly kickass, feminist, modern bride:

  1. You understand that “First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage” is chronological BS; love and logic are all that matters.
  2. You don’t buy into all that premarital white, virginal nonsense; unless you’ve decided being a virgin is what’s right for you (not because some authority said you should abstain from sex until marriage).
  3. When your future fiancé wants to ask your parents’ permission, you’re like “Whaa? I’m an adult!” or you say, “I can’t wait to ask your parents’ permission too.”
  4. You ditch the sexist, consumer culture engagement ring, unless your future fiancé wears one too.
  5. You propose first or get down on one knee after they do cuz proposing should be an equal opportunity event.
  6. When people ask you to show them “the ring,” you show them your NuvaRing.
  7. When your fiancé expects your parents to pay for the wedding, you explain you can’t wait for his/her parents and you two to make matching contributions like it’s a 401k.
  8. You ask for a prenup cuz youz makes da monayyyy!
  9. When it comes to planning you expect both you and your fiancé to be equally involved because a wedding is for two people, not just one.
  10. You register for awesome things like power tools and beer brewing kits because you refuse to be treated like a 1950s housewife.
  11. You invite both women and men to the wedding shower.
  12. You change the “for-every-broken-ribbon-a-baby” game into “for-every-broken-ribbon-an-orgasm” because marriage is not just about having babies…
  13. You invite anatomically dissimilar friends into your wedding party entourage.
  14. You realize the terms “bridesmaid” and “bride matron” are sexist misnomers cuz no one in your wedding party is a virgin anymore…
  15. You feel just as entitled to go to strip clubs as bachelor parties.
  16. Cuz you’re not your father’s property anymore, you will only walk down the aisle with both parents unless he does too, by yourself or with your fiancé.
  17. You absolutely omit the phrase “vow to obey” in your wedding ceremony.
  18. You change “You may kiss the bride,” to “You may now seal your marriage with a kiss,” because kissing is a two-way consensual street.
  19. Both fiancés are willing to dance with both sets of parents; cutting a rug doesn’t always have to be with a person of the opposite sex.
  20. You don’t toss the bouquet unless it’s as overtly sexy as the garter toss and doesn’t single out all the single ladies because you know not everyone needs to get married; being single is perfectly fine.
  21. You refuse to be called a “Mrs.” because men don’t change their status just because they get married, and the prefix of ‘Ms.’ already makes you important.
  22. Both fiancés either keep their original surname, link both or forge a new one cuz the one-surname name change is a patriarchal tradition formerly used to discriminate against out of wedlock children and unwed mothers.
  23. You insist on using “spouse” which comes with a lot more social equality.
  24. You both take turns carrying each other over the threshold.
  25. You maintain your own financial independence and professional goals after marriage, knowing that your team’s health is just as contingent on sustained personal autonomy, independence and self-confidence.
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