‘To Sleep or Not to Sleep’ with Your Fiancé the Night before the Wedding?

Image via HuffPo & alexeyrumyantsev via Getty Images

Image via HuffPo & alexeyrumyantsev via Getty Images

There’s the superstition that it’s bad luck to see your fiancé the day of the wedding, but it starts with the tradition that says a couple should stay in separate bedrooms the night before the wedding too. In this modern day of cohabiting couples and non-virgins, is the not-sleeping-together tradition relative anymore? By sleep I mean, whatever you want to do; be it hitting the hay or having a roll in it. And for the record nowhere in this two-sided argument will higher-than-thou sexual morality be a legitimate defense for it. The whole notion of ‘not-sleeping-together’ is historically part of an oppressive and discriminatory conduct code that demeans sex and anyone who chooses to have it outside of marriage (mostly women). By eliminating the tradition’s inherent sexism, the Shakespearian-esque question still remains, “to sleep or not to sleep with your fiancé the night before the wedding?”

The Argument ‘To Sleep’: Shakespeare was a horny fellow with all this swords, codpieces and waning moons; he would absolutely endorse sleeping together before the wedding day. (He might also argue sleeping with someone who is not your fiancé; the Bard is possible of bad advice too.) He also sort of satirized convention and people’s hypocrisy (…I think, I only studied him in high school…) so with 95% of US peeps having sex before marriage and 60% living together before – why put up with the false pretense of this tradition? If normal life includes sleeping together, don’t act like you don’t live and/or sleep together just cuz you’re getting married…

Another reason to sleep together is to have that amazing-single-person sex one last time. This single-person or fiancé-sex will not dilute the sex the next night either because you’ll be pretty amped to have amazing-married-people sex now. In fact, have lots of sex as a way to protest this historically absurd sexual morality tradition and whoever invented it. It’s certainly one way to stick it to them (that’s what s/he said).

And screw the whole good luck/bad luck argument, no one has ever cited “slept together before the wedding” as the reason for their divorce, unhappy marriage or just plain unlucky one. There is no reasonable cause that denying this specific tradition results in anything bad, except for maybe a urinary infection.

I’d like to think couples today are reasonable people who practice traditions that represent their lifestyle. Practicing this wedding room tradition should come down to relevance and honesty. Besides there’s still plenty of room for romance and sentiment the night before the wedding, so don’t worry about missing out by skipping it. Just find a sexy sonnet by Shakespeare to quote behind those closed doors.

The Argument ‘Not to Sleep’: I think it was Shakespeare who said, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder…for amazing sex…the next day.” What’s waiting one night if it can lead to an even more rewarding honeymoon night? I’m arguing not to sleep together before the wedding day, because solo time will become a rare luxury after marriage. Take advantage of that queen bed you’ve got all to yourself. Jump on it, sleep sideways, build a pillow fort, and eat in it – whatever you want, you’ll thank me years form now.

Theoretically, a couple will spend the rest of their lives sharing the space they sleep in. Sleeping next to this other person will account for about 1/3 of your life.* Not to mention couples are already sleeping together before marriage so it’s technically even more time sleeping with a bunkmate.

A lifetime of spooning can seem romantic but sleep patterns change over time. Your partner could develop apnea, insomnia, you might start a family, work late hours, etc.; not all of it will be quality snuggling. Few married folks will choose separate beds when bedtime conditions change because marital success is perceived as correlated to a consolidated sleeping arrangements. And bad sleeping habits aren’t the only need for space; sometimes you’ll simply want some for your own personal enjoyment.

Once you’re married even a double mattress will feel like your own private tropical island. Vast mattress real estate will be a paradise to you in the future, so take advantage of being its lone inhabitant the night before the wedding. Plus you’ve got a big day tomorrow; you don’t want any unexpected distractions like a topsy-turvy fiancé to keep you up on this particular night (and you don’t want to keep him or her up too). The best beauty sleep is always captured alone, just ask Sleeping Beauty. And embrace the last pure hours of independence before your interdependent day tomorrow. Embracing this fleeting solo freedom and anticipating the change to having a partner in crime for life is kind of an amazing moment. The night before the wedding you’ll sleep the easiest sleeping solo.

*This is based on the average age people get married (27) and the average lifespan of women (82) and assuming everyone gets the doctor recommended 8 hours of sleep each night.

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