The Complete Wedding Survival Checklist

A feminist bride asked for a wedding “survival kit” list to prepare for her upcoming nuptials. Construction-BrideF2Assuming that this lady has packed for a trip before, I assumed she’d know to pack a toothbrush so her ceremony kiss would be minty fresh. But then I had a change of heart, when your heart is racing on the big day and your mind is overloaded, anything can happen and forgetfulness can ensue. Here’s the ultimate wedding to-do and to-bring list for everyone going to a wedding:

  1. Underwear (because THIS can happen)
  2. Bra
  3. Ducktape
  4. Two devices with alarm clocks (cuz it’s easy to confuse AM & PM)
  5. Sewing Kit (for wardrobe malfunctions, I once had to sew the ass-seem of my date’s pants back up minutes before the ceremony. He split them getting into the car. And yes, we were late)
  6. Bandaids (cuz face it ladies, none of our shoes are comfortable)
  7. Hair Products (Spray,  dryer, iron, curler, mouse, elastics, bobby pins)
  8. DVD of Father of the Bride
  9. Your fiance (sorta important)
  10. Makeup
  11. Your Vows
  12. This Blog (pre-loaded on your phone)
  13. Shoe inserts
  14. Water (stay hydrated, but not so hydrated that you pull a Bethenny Frankel)
  15. Deodorant (no one likes that stinky person)
  16. Confidence that you’re doing the right thing
  17. Allergy Medicine (if you forget it, people will be touched by your teary eyes, but you could feel a lot better with it.)
  18. Tissues (not for boob stuffing, for those tears.)
  19. The Wedding Rings
  20. ID’s & Credit Cards & Cash Money!
  21. Booze (especially for cash bars. Nothing says I’m fun and cheap like a secret wedding flask.)
  22. Something to drink booze out of
  23. Music & Speakers
  24. Your General Fucking-Awesomeness
  25. Yourself (mildly important.)
  26. Your phone charger
  27. The Wedding Gift and Card
  28. Your Date’s Name
  29. The Newlyweds’ Names
  30. A camera (I think this is better than a phone. A wedding is a good opportunity to be off the grid and in the moment instead, leave the phone at home)
  31. The documents that legally wed you
  32. Snacks (but not stinky breath snacks. Leave the sour cream onion chips at home.)
  33. Breath Mints, Tooth brush, tooth paste
  34. Make up remover
  35. Back up underwear
  36. A Poster of Tina Fey giving you the thumbs up
  37. A second pair of shoes that are not high heels
  38. A purse or something to hold all this crap
  39. A jacket (in case it gets cold)
  40. Sunglasses (in case the ceremony is bright or cuz you’re just too cool for school or you’re hungover or crying cuz that should be you up there)
  41. An umbrella (because rain on your wedding day is just rain.)
  42. Sunblock
  43. Something Old, Something New, Something Blue
  44. This list (duh)
  45. Give out the phone number of someone who isn’t the bride or groom for people to call when there’s an emergency
  46. Condoms (cuz everyone should be having safe sex and that includes the bride and groom.)
  47. Nail Clippers
  48. Beanie Babies
  49. A button up shirt to wear all day during your hair and make up sessions
  50. Feminine Products (don’t be like Molly Ringwald’s older sister at the altar in Sixteen Candles)
  51. Anti-Diarrhea Pills (insert poop joke here)
  52. A Good Attitude (you’d be surprise how many people forget this one)
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